The Virtues and Vices of Self-Esteem

It seems that for the last generation or so schools have been trying to boost students’ self-esteem by offering easy grading, easy repeat-testing opportunities, participation trophies, and non-scoring sports activities. Parents are supposed to adopt a “gentle parenting” approach that makes them a partner to their children instead of an authority figure, supposedly to build the child’s confidence and increase happiness. And I have to ask, for goodness’ sake, why?

The infant child has a lot of self-esteem. It is the center of its own universe, where everything is new to be touched, tasted, and tested to destruction as necessary. Left to its own devices, the child will rule this world in its own self-interest. And the traditional role of the parent, as an authority figure, is to set limits, set examples, offer values, and protect the child from its own rambunctious behavior.

I was raised by parents—most of my Boomer generation was—who did just that. They monitored and questioned my behavior. They told me when they were displeased. They said “no” a lot. They also said things like, “We don’t do that in this family,” and “That wasn’t a good thing to do.” Were they judgmental? Oh, yes. Did they instill values and judgments in me and my brother? Oh, definitely, because they also told me when I had done something right and proper. Did this destroy my self-esteem? Oh, tweaked it a bit.

But one good thing this older parenting style did was make me question myself. Before setting out on a course of action, I generally ask, “Is this the right thing to do?” I look ahead and judge the consequences. And after doing something where I feel a twinge, I ask, “Did I do something wrong?” And “Was I hurtful?”¹

Judging your own behavior, seeing yourself operating inside the web of responsibilities in a polite society, is an essential part of growing up. If you don’t get this self-reflexive viewpoint, you can turn out to be a careless, inconsiderate, demanding, and obnoxious human being. That is not a good thing. Careless people cause accidents and draw enmity.

1. I’m reminded here of the video meme where two comic figures in World War II German uniforms ask innocently, “Are we the baddies?” That’s a good thing to stop and think.